"You just might not understand it yet. But it’s cool. Family is super cool. Going home to one girl every night is super cool. Just going home and getting on the floor and playing with your child is super cool. Not wearing a red leather jacket, and just looking like a dad and shit, is like super cool. Having someone that I can call Mom again. That shit is super cool."

Kanye West (via coffeekaling)

(Source: GQ)

im so scared of cancer and want to quit cigs but god damn its hard.

this year.(thoughts)

this has been the worst yet best year of my life. ive been more depressed than ive ever been and thought of death and how im not afraid to die. not one bit. ive found myself crying for hours cradled by my sheets and praying to a being im unsure is even there. ive felt confusion, doubt, indecision, and things unexplainable. im still unsure of who i am and what i want for myself but all these things have helped me get closer to knowing. yes, i am in a lot of trouble at home right now and am at “rock bottom” i would say, but maybe this is good for me whether i see it or not. this year ive felt love for the first time in a while and ive felt important. i had a boy tell me i was beautiful and i had to try and hold back tears because i disgust myself and couldnt believe someone saw me as a treasure. ive made some of the greatest friends ive ever had and feel cared for. my home life has gotten worse and worse and i am still waiting for it to get better, but i am trying. i am trying to make a boy happy and love him how he wants me to love him after he has told me he loved me and a week later is ignoring me. im hurt more than words can explain and too hurt to even cry. this year has brought more pain than anything, but ive never felt more alive. im here, im breathing, and although shit keeps coming, im still standing. barely, but im making it. the small things are what keep me alive and trying. i push on for those i love and hope to receive the love i need from others to keep going. im alive and this year has made me realize my life is fragile and can end at any moment. even though im not afraid of death and am ready to encounter death, i will continue to live and try to make myself well. i will continue to try and love myself and who i am and not have to depend on others to be content. because in the end, everyone is on their own and will do what they need to survive, no matter how important you are to them. we as humans naturally protect ourselves and are in this alone, therefore we need to be able to support ourselves and be content with who we are. right now i dont love myself, but this year has made me realize i need to.

was she worth it?

but in other news this is probably the first day in a few months that i havent cried, improvement i guess

i honestly think im in love with 2 people and i dont know what to do. fuck i get so set on someone then have the guy ive always like finally tell me how he feels. hes never shown feeling and now hes expressing so much that im not quite sure how to react, especially when i have this guy ive been into since october who i still love so much. fuck fuck fuck im just confused about what i want.

well.

here it is. saying bye to all my friends going to bonnaroo tomorrow and of course i managed to screw up the one thing ive wanted for four years. i was so close. so close to finally having something beautiful and incredible that ive dreamed of for so long, then i just watched it get torn away from me. of course im happy for my friends and the experiences theyll have, but im obviously really sad about it all. im hurting more than i have in a long time, and i just hope these days can come and go quickly. im just trying to make it through.

i live the life of 500 days of summer and my 500 days are almost up with you )’:

honestly dont know what to say when i know youre having fun but i feel like hell and just want you to come hold me or at least come get me and do something sweet i just feel useless and like a fuck and i just want someone to make me feel otherwise. sometimes i feel almost too loved by my family. i love them more than they can imagine or know, but theres a line between love and personal space and they dont get that. it does nothing but cause hurt for myself and them

when youre drunk i want you to send me sweet things about what you really feel and be cute and your drunk self and call me babe like you do when youre drunk with me in person it makes me fall more in love with you

also its just funny that my doctor thinks im getting worse and put me on more depression meds ha ha hahah like im losing everything and falling apart great

im not scared to die

being with my family is sometimes so painful. i love them to death, dont get me wrong. but whenever im with them they always just bring up things i really hate to talk about and i always get super sad and just have to leave. im so tired of running from all the pain but i dont wanna just sit there and take it.